If you know someone grieving...
Our society is bad - ridiculously bad - at dealing with a loved one passing on. Even family and friends can say or do the wrong thing, sometimes shockingly so, even though they mean well. So here are what I call my "Top 5 clues" for those who know someone grieving. Please keep them in mind when wondering what to say or do for someone you care about who is grieving.
Here's the "TLDR:"
Only they know what they are going through. If you're not sure what to say, just say "I'm so sorry for your loss"
and maybe a nice word or two about the person lost, if you knew them well enough.
Beyond that, while this can vary with the details (how well you know them etc), keep in touch. It matters.
1. THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY TO GRIEVE. Everyone - and everyone's exact circumstances - are unique, so each person's journey through a loss is unique. There is therefore no right or wrong way to go about it. What's right is what works for them. Unfortunately, many people don't get this and try to "help" people by trying to impose their ideas about what the person should do or even how they should feel. This is a very insensitive and frankly stupid mistake to make. Do them a big favor and forget what you think you know is right - because you don't. Sorry. What to do, when to do it by, the "5 stages of grief" and so on - it all varies. What you heard works or worked for you might not for them. Please keep this in mind. Support them, but don't try to "direct" them. They have to figure it out for themselves. In the early stages of grief, I think it's especially a good idea not to make suggestions. If they ask, of course, that's a different story, but again be cautious and remember it's not just what you say, but how you say it. For example, instead of saying "you should go see a grief counselor," instead try something like "have you considered grief counseling? It might be worth checking into." That kind of thing. Put it in a way that doesn't say "do this," but "maybe you should consider this." NEVER state anything in a "this is how it is" way. That's not only incorrect, but hurtful.
2. WHAT TO SAY - AND WHAT NOT TO SAY: I could probably do a whole page (at least) on this alone. There are a thousand things you can say to someone grieving - and most of them are a bad idea. It's so easy to say the wrong thing, so it's best to keep it simple with something like "I'm sorry for your loss" or "you're in my thoughts and prayers" and leave it at that. Most other things, though well-intended, may be offensive or even hurtful. Here are some of the most common:
"I know how you feel"
No. Wrong. You don't. Only they know what they feel and are going through. Every loss is unique to each person, even for those who have lost the same person or had the same kind of loss. You have maybe a ballpark idea, if that. To claim otherwise is ignorant, belittles their feelings (even if unintentionally), and may hurt or even anger them, and rightfully so.
"It's God's will" / "They're in a better place" (or other religious statements)
It's God's will to rip someone they love away from them for the rest of their life? A "better place" is apart from each other? Regardless of the grieving person's beliefs (or yours), and even if you KNOW your beliefs align closely with theirs, hopefully you can see why such statements are not advisable; it's best to avoid them. Let them decide how their faith can best comfort them and work out those things.
"At least they lived a good long life" (or similar "positive" aspects of the person lost)
Even if true, this may also unintentionally belittle how painful the loss is. Remember that the focus for them right now is on the loss of that life, not the length of the life itself, and understandably so.
"You're young, you can still start over" (or) "You still have your other kids" (or similar)
Losing someone at a younger age is hardly comforted by knowing that they can "start over" - this isn't some game where you have "do-overs" and the people we lose are NOT replaceable. In fact, all things being equal, losing someone younger is in some ways much harder. And reminding them they have "others" in some way probably won't make this loss easier either. Once more: it belittles the devastating loss they've suffered and the pain they're in.
"This reminds me of..." or "Well this isn't as bad as....."
Who cares? This isn't a competition! Comparisons to others are pointless and hurtful, because - once again - it belittles their feelings and the loss. Some other loss, even if it was yours or theirs, is NOT the focus here.
I could go on, but hopefully you get the picture. In general, trying to make them feel better with "uplifting" thoughts or statements may sound helpful and logical, but it's not. In fact, it's almost always a terrible idea. What that grieving person really needs isn't a silver lining or some solution, because basically there is none for them at that point. This isn't a problem you can solve. They just need to know you care, you sympathize, and are there for them. And keep in mind that even if you are there for them, they still have to find their own way. Let them know that by listening vs trying to offer solutions.
3. REALIZE THAT THIS TAKES TIME - AND YOU HAVE NO CLUE HOW MUCH. You'd wouldn't believe the stories I've heard about people - sometimes even family members or close friends - telling a grieving person insanely insensitive things like "it's time to move on" or "you should be over it by now" - or worse - even after a relatively brief time. It's good no one did that to me, because I would have blasted them into last week. How can it not be obvious what grossly stupid, ignorant things these are to say? Please don't do this. Remember, they need to get better in THEIR own time - NOT yours. Regrouping from a loss to get back to anything even resembling "normal" doesn't happen overnight. And no matter what, they are changed forever. Don't expect them to just "go back to being themselves."
And again, everyone is unique and timelines vary, so even if you suffered a similar loss, that doesn't mean it's the same or even close. Please keep this in mind. Your patience and understanding is needed now more than ever.
4. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO "BE THERE" FOR SOMEONE...THEN ACTUALLY BE THERE (PART 1). You would not believe how common it is for people to disappear shortly after a loss like this, up to and including closest of friends or family. Oh sure, people will come to the funeral, maybe keep in touch a bit afterwards...but then most quickly move on, feeling good that they did the "right thing" and all but forgetting the grieving person after that, as if they'd passed on too. I'm not saying they mean to, but it happens. I can tell you from personal experience that this can be crushing, as it can make the grieving person feel even more abandoned and alone at a time when those feelings are already overwhelming. That doesn't mean people who do this are bad or uncaring; many just feel awkward or so uncomfortable about it all that they shy away, or they just don't know what to do...so they end up doing nothing. Please don't do this. Don't fail to keep in touch or use the "I didn't know what to say or do" excuse, because frankly, it's weak. In fact, there is no excuse; the only possible exception would be if they made it clear they want to be left alone (which happens but I think is much less common). You don't have to have anything amazing to say or do. Something like a call and "I just wanted to say hi and check on you" is a good start. Just knowing you thought of them and made the effort to reach out is plenty. Remember, they are the ones who's lives are shattered - they may feel lost and in a fog, not knowing where to turn. They may also be worried about imposing or "dumping" on you. So if you truly care and are concerned, SHOW IT. Don't go "call if you need anything" and never get in touch. Be proactive. Even a simple email or text, though not nearly as good as a phone call, is still way (way) better than nothing.
5. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO "BE THERE" FOR SOMEONE...THEN ACTUALLY BE THERE (PART 2). Like "call if you need anything," saying things like "let's get together sometime" is worthless. Talk is cheap. If you want to do something for a grieving person, then do it. People often get a quick flurry of attention right after the loss, but it's when the dust has started to settle after that and everyone else has gone back to their daily life that they face the impossible task of trying to do the same, and that's when they could really use some help - some relief from that darkness that doesn't go away after a few days, weeks, or even months. So be proactive; make a few suggestions and see which they might like best. A few examples include getting together for dinner, a movie, shopping, golfing (or other hobbies), a day trip, getting together with mutual friends/family, or maybe something you two (and or others) used to do together. Whatever. But be specific. Make the effort to really be a presence in their life, if of course they want it (almost all do) and you are able and willing. Believe me, loneliness is probably the worst of demons a grieving person battles at a time like this. Help beat it back by being there - really being there - for them.