If you are grieving...
I'm so sorry for your loss. No matter how much I or anyone else tries, there aren't words good enough, because it's all so far beyond words. So please excuse however I (or anyone else) may fall short.
I won't get into many details about my loss, because I know you're not here to read about me; you're here to find anything you can to help you deal with this and be in less pain. But I hope some of what I felt and learned might help you in some way.
The loss of the love of my life was premature (she was in her 50s), which only made it all the more incomprehensible, and to me, just surreal; it was too ridiculous to be real. She warned me not to be in denial, but deep down I was from day one. From that day she told me she had cancer to today, I feel like my life became some bizarre dream that I wish I could finally wake up from. Part of me to will never really accept it. You might feel similar, wondering "How this can possibly be real? How can I go on, and why is it even worth even trying?" It's like being pushed off a cruise ship into a dark, cold, choppy sea and ordered to start swimming. Are you kidding me? To where?
But eventually, as impossible as it seemed, I did survive, and you can too. And really, what else can you do? The idea of staying in bed, pulling the covers over your head and never coming out is tempting, but not realistic. Life goes on whether we think it should or not, and as hard as it may be to believe right now, it's worth the effort. Why? Because although that person might not be "here" any more (not physically at least), you are. If anything, this loss reminded me how precious life is.
In other words, whether you realize it or not right now: you're worth it.
THE INFAMOUS "FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF"
You may have heard of this. The supposed five stages we go through are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I hated this when I read about it because it felt like I was being told "this is how it's supposed to go"...which even then I knew was a crock. I didn't experience them all, let alone in that order, and some huge things were left out (like guilt! Guilt and grief are old friends; beware of that trap). Later I learned the person who wrote it was misunderstood, to the point where eventually she came out and explained that you don't necessarily experience them in that exact order or at all. This is an example of a trap you be on guard for: how you're "supposed" to feel. There's no such thing. This journey is uniquely yours. No two are the same...which leads me to this:
FIVE THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND
Here are a few key things I think you should try to keep in mind as you begin down this cursed path that's been forced on you. Some may be more obvious than others, but I think all are worth considering and reminding yourself of as necessary (I have, many times).
In a nutshell, they are:
1. There is no right or wrong way to grieve
2. This will take time
3. Most people are clueless how to respond...and may act really stupidly
4. Try not to make any big, drastic moves for at least about a year
5. Your life is changed forever. That does not mean it's over.
To elaborate:
1. THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY TO GRIEVE. Rule number one. Please remember this above all. As I mentioned before, there are no "shoulds" about this. Anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong, has no clue what they are talking about, and frankly should just shut up. If someone is insensitive or ignorant enough to say otherwise, ignore them.
But oddly enough, we can do this to ourselves too. It's human nature to compare ourselves to others or think about the "right" way to do something or "what's normal." It's a trap and a lie, because this is your journey, nobody else's. It's as unique as you and the person you lost. Yes, that includes others who are mourning the same person or had the same type of loss. They aren't you. Only you can ultimately figure out how to deal with this, so try not to fall into this and worry about being "normal," because there's no such thing.
Also, try not to worry about being unsure of what to do or how. Just allow it to unfold in its own way as time goes on; you'll figure it out as you go. Let it be whatever it is. And I know this is a cliché, but it's true: take it a day at a time (if necessary, even an hour at a time)....which leads me to my next point:
2. THIS WILL TAKE TIME. You may be thinking "Well duh. But how much?" This is one of the most common questions people seem to wonder about, like "when should I start feeling better?" or "how far along should I be now?" or "how long until it's over?"
There's no pat answer, no standard timeframes, nothing to measure yourself against. Of course you want it to just hurry the hell up and be over with, but as you probably already know, it doesn't work that way. They say life is a journey, not a destination, and the same is true in dealing with loss. It's a gradual process. It's not like at some point you'll cross a finish line or a switch is flipped. The silver lining: while it's never easy, gradually over time it does get easiER. That searing anguish eases; those choppy waves become calmer. And while it is gradual, keep in mind It can also be uneven. You may have times you feel surprisingly normal (believe it or not) and you're doing OK...then you see or do or hear something that reminds you of them, and bam, suddenly you feel like you're back to day one. Moments like that can make you think "I'm not getting anywhere, this is hopeless." NOT true. Don't buy into that. As a great doctor once said: this isn't a sitcom, where everything gets neatly resolved in a half-hour. This is reality, and it's an ongoing process. Allow for that and don't let anyone dare tell you any different. Which leads me to the next thing:
3. MOST PEOPLE ARE GENERALLY CLUELESS ABOUT HOW TO RESPOND...AND MAY ACT REALLY STUPIDLY. You wouldn't believe the stories I've heard of the ignorant, even hurtful stupid things people have said to someone grieving (or maybe you would, if you've experienced it) like "aren't you over it yet?" Wow - really? Or they are so ignorant about what to say or do, so they say and do nothing. (This happened to me and in my opinion was even worse.) I get more into this on the next page, but for now, I'll just say while it's understandable that you'd be angry or hurt if this happens, try to keep their intent in mind; they mean well. I'm not excusing them for saying something dumb, but our society has become so cowardly and ignorant about facing death that many people are so unnerved about it that they treat it like a plague, shying away from anyone touched by it. Again, not excusing them, but keep in mind that it's all at least partly human nature before you say something you might regret.
4. IF POSSIBLE, TRY NOT TO MAKE ANY DRASTIC, "BIG" MOVES FOR AT LEAST ABOUT A YEAR. This generally applies more to losses at a younger age, but can apply to anyone. Unless you have to, don't move out of town, sell the house, get back into a relationship, or make similarly big moves if you can help it. The reason is simple: your mind is a jumble and your emotional state chaotic; that's not exactly the frame of mind to be in for important decisions. This gets back to # 2: give yourself time.
5. YOUR LIFE IS CHANGED FOREVER. THAT DOES NOT MEAN IT'S OVER. I don't think there's any such thing as totally "getting over" a loss, but as hard as it might be to believe now, you can plow THROUGH it and gradually regroup and rebuild your life (and yourself) to a point well worth living, even though it won't ever be the same. It may seem impossible now, but it isn't. Even though I don't know you, I'm confident you CAN do this, because I think anyone can, given enough time and effort.
A FEW SUGGESTED FIRST STEPS
"You can do this." If someone would have told me that back when, I would have told them to shove it. Easy to say....but how?
Again there are no quick/easy answers, and the details you'll have to figure out as you go along, but here are some simple, general things I learned that I think you should keep in mind to help yourself get started.
TRY TO KEEP BUSY. After that flurry of activity immediately afterwards (taking care of bills, the funeral, wills, etc), getting back to the task of day-to-day living can feel impossible initially, because your day-to-day life is radically changed...and anyone who was basically holding your hand earlier is ready to get back to their life. In short, as the dust settles, the reality of the loss really kicks in. This "second wave" of grief typically hits around 3-6 months after the initial loss (although like everything else, it can vary).
Keeping busy can help. There's nothing wrong with having those days when you don't do a thing - in fact you should allow for that, especially early on; it's OK. But you should try to keep busy as much as possible; if not, you're much more prone to sitting there dwelling on everything, which is like sitting in quicksand. Try to minimize it by not just sitting there. If you're still working and/or taking care of dependents, that obviously minimizes idle time, but you need activities or things that are for YOU as well. For starters, try to get out! Get with family, friends, whoever is willing and makes you feel better in general. Take walks. A bike ride. A drive. Shop. Read. Work out. Whatever. Maybe consider a pet, if you don't have one. Get back into your favorite hobbies, or try new ones. Reach out to new social groups if your old ones change (meetup.com may help here; most areas have many local chapters for all kinds of interests and ages). Churches often have them too, and you're not required to have the same beliefs, nor are they all about "church stuff."
Whatever works for you...but the point is to try and to keep moving.
Of course if being alone helps (some people prefer that, and you might at times), fine, but even then, try to do something. Read a book. Watch some favorite TV or movies. Even something like gardening/yard work or house work (we all know how much fun that is, right?) beats doing nothing. Keeping busy is good, as it focuses some attention elsewhere and so can help you get through the day - and again, this is often a day-at-a-time thing.
SPOIL YOURSELF. This is literally a trip to hell and back, so why not try to ease that pain by spoiling yourself? God knows you've earned it, and more importantly, NEED it. You don't have to go crazy; the simplest of things here and there can help. Sleep late when you can, if you feel like it. Indulge in some activity you like, but might normally avoid due to cost or whatever. Go shopping and buy yourself something...even something as simple as a nice meal out (hopefully with family or friends) or a fine bottle of wine. Take a day trip somewhere. Indulge in something hobby related you hadn't otherwise planned to spend the money on. You get the idea. And if (I say if) you can afford to do something more lavish like a vacation or a new car or whatever, why not? The point is you need some pampering at a time like this. Don't hesitate to do it.
GRIEF COUNSELING. Not everyone cares for the idea, but it may be worth trying if you're struggling. It helped me a lot, because basically I had no one to really unload on or talk to about it at the time (long story), and needed it badly. I also strongly recommend someone who specializes in grief counseling over a general therapist. And by the way, your general family doctor is not the answer (although they may have some referrals). This isn't a sprained elbow. If you're not sure where to start, search the internet for your area. Some places (like local/state government) may even offer grief counseling for free vs the expense of professionals. There are also group counseling sessions, which can help because you're with people who "get it" and you realize you're not the only one with such experiences. One way or the other, it's worth considering. What do you have to lose?
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF - PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, SPIRITUALLY. In general, the better you take care of yourself physically, the better you're feel emotionally. Exercise as you're able, not just because it's healthy, but again, it gets you focused on something else. You don't have to go crazy with it. Do what you can; even brisk walks can help.
As for the spiritual part, I'm no priest; your beliefs are your business. But in a time like this, try to keep in mind the potential comfort and strength you may find from your beliefs through prayer, meditation, church services and fellowship, whatever.
Also remember it's normal to question your beliefs in a time like this; getting angry (OK, furious) at God, even questioning His existence. Been there/done that. I would only suggest keeping in mind that believing in God doesn't mean nothing bad will ever happen to us or our loved ones, unfortunately. I don't pretend to understand it all; it's something you will have to work through on your own terms.
CHECK OUT BOOKS, WEB SITES OR OTHER REFERENCES. You obviously don't have a problem with this since you're here. I've started to list more under "Other Links" above (I'll try to update it and welcome suggestions), but there are many sites, books, etc out there. Browse sites online or in the book store. There are a lot of people out there who, like you and I, "get it" so some might help in one way or another, maybe more than you expected. Again, you have nothing to lose.
KEEP A JOURNAL. This isn't everybody's cup of tea, but I've heard from many that helps, sometimes a lot, and it did for me. Consider keeping a journal and write whatever comes to mind. It can be about the loss or other things - anything really; let it take whatever form you want. It can be a daily thing or something you just update off and on when you feel like it. It can be what's on your mind, or maybe a "dialogue" addressing the person you lost, telling them about your day, or what you're feeling. There are no rules; it's all what works for you. But writing things down has a permanence about it that you may find helps you sort out or unload things.
FINALLY, A FEW WORDS ON MEDS... I'm no doctor and this is just my opinion. But based on everything I have read, heard or learned, I suggest caution. Anti-depressant meds may help, but there are different kinds, and in some cases they can actually make things worse; doctors can't be sure what will work. I'm not saying disregard the idea; meds can be very helpful and worth considering. Just be careful.
I hope some of this helps, and wish you the best in dealing with this.